Chance

When a supposed chance encounter changes your life, you realise it wasn’t chance at all.

On anxiety and the weird feeling in my knees.

Over my long almost 20 years of existence on this fine Planet Earth, I’ve realised something about myself.

When I am anxious or uneasy about anything, I get this weird feeling in my knees. It is the most unpleasant sensation that I experience in my daily life apart from being actually sick.

I’m not sure how to describe it. Its like this heavy malaise that seems to weigh down my joints and spreads throughout my whole body. All I know is that, whenever something really anxiety-inducing is happening to me, this feeling occurs.

Maybe its all in my slightly-too-large Korean head. 

The terrible thing is that many things make me anxious. The top factor would have to be communicating with other people.

A big insecurity of mine is whether I’ve left a conversation knowing that all things are “well” with the person I was talking with. The uncertain possibility of having a misunderstanding with someone horrifies me. I generally feel some level of anxiety at one time or another during the week because of this reason.

I ask myself : Is this normal? Should I see my local Pastor, or a Psychiatrist? 

Am I crazy?

…

Do crazy people ask themselves whether they’re crazy?

…

My knees feel weird. 

Just because people come and go doesn’t mean I have to like it!

In this world of fast cars, quick money and cliche’ filled writing (see what I did there?), there are a certain ideas that have settled down in my head like squatters looking for adequate shelter. 

It is often accepted that people come and go. Your life will be filled with many different people. In the pursuits of living life and being helpless to resist that abstract concept of change, some people will arrive at your doorstep, and some people will slowly fade away. 

The question is : Do I hold on? If natural circumstances pull me and person A apart, do I artificially try and resurrect that relationship once again? Ultimately, I feel that might be a forced and selfish way to do things. I think accepting that certain relationships run their course and ultimately end, due to opportunity, situation or lack of communication is realistic thinking. I think the best policy would, as the Beatles so wisely repeat, is to “Let it be”. I’m not saying that its a fantastic wonderful thing to see people leave. Often it is sad and heart wrenching, filled with regret and ‘what ifs’ (personal experience) but eventually a parting happens because of a reason, be it self-wrought (arghhhh) or circumstantial. 

However, I reckon there will always be apart of me that will despise this part of knowing people. Just because people come and go doesn’t mean I have to like it! I can say genuinely that I want people to stay and we can all be happy … right? riiiiight!? Maybe that’s me being irrational, but there will always be that reluctance.

In absolute contrast, new people arrive into your life at the most unexpected times. There is much joy in that I would believe. More people to share my jokes with (muehehehehe). 

Reading back, I seem rather the moody pessimist. I don’t think we should be restricted to a certain concept or paradigm that confines us to resign ourselves to the hurricanes of fate and circumstance. We too often use these as excuses! Just because something happens all the time doesn’t mean that it’s right. I’m willing to accept that people leave. I’m not willing to discount the possibility of a return. Let’s be positive for once!
 
I think I’ll rephrase the statement “People come and go” to : 

Just because people go doesn’t mean that they can’t come back. 

Cheese

Writing cheesy love songs is the best!

Too bad I’m bad at singing.

And don’t really have anyone to sing to except a hypothetical significant other.

…..

Time to write a sad song.